It is said that if it doesn’t hurt, you’re doing it wrong. But you shouldn’t have to love someone like a honeybee on a suicide mission.
Your physics teacher once explained that if you sucked out all the empty space from every human on Earth, 7 billion people could fit into an apple. And though you used to think the proximity sounded romantic, now your heart feels ready to burst like a Coke bottle opened just after shaking. And all it will leave behind is a mess that few will want to clean up.
Because even after two months, fourteen days, and five hours, you still can’t stop yourself from Facebook stalking them. Or from rereading history logs of old text messages you promised yourself you’d delete days ago. And there’s still part of you that still hopes to god every time you leave the house that you won’t have to see them — just so you won’t have to pretend you’re fine when the sting of goodbye is still killing you inside out. That while it’s like they’ve already forgotten your name, you still feel like someone is punching hole after hole into your lungs every time you think about theirs. And despite all that you’ve learned from Sunday mass, you’ll realize that there might just be such a thing as hell on this Earth.
And yes, it is said that if it doesn’t hurt, you’re doing it wrong. But if it doesn’t kill both of you in the same damn way, it probably wasn’t love to begin with.
THIS IS A RANDOM POST TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSION OF A HUMAN AND YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT THINK OF A MEMORY OF YOU AND CAN’T HELP BUT SMILE AND I HOPE THAT YOU ARE EXCITED FOR SOME ASPECT OF YOUR DAY TODAY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE FULFILLED AND HAPPY THAT IS ALL THANK YOU
1. Don’t shut down. You have to feel pain because once you turn it off, you can’t get it back. And then you’re left prying open your veins and breaking your bones, drowning in vodka, choking on pills, bleeding out, swallowing cigarettes, fucking boys who rip your heart out of your chest and slam it against the wall and then smile at you like you’re the prettiest thing in the room. It turns out that feeling nothing feels worse than anything else.
2. Cut him out of your life. It doesn’t matter how many times he called you beautiful and told you he loved you. I know he was a sweet guy but he’s not the same person anymore. He hurt you. He doesn’t deserve to occupy a thought in your head let alone drown you in your own tears. I know you loved him. Maybe you always will. But if you want to stay alive, you’ve got to let him go. Delete your old texts with him because baby I swear to god you will read over all the “I love you’s” and “baby girl’s” and you will crack your ribs with them.
3. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay slide down a wall in tears at three in the morning aching and screaming. If you want to sit on your bedroom floor with your head buried in your knees, tears spilling out of your eyes and filling the room up to your waist, do it. It doesn’t make you weak. You could never be weak. You’re alive and that’s the hardest thing to be. I’m so proud of you. Always.
4. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. When you’re at a party and you’re sitting next to a boy who’s words are dripping with cheap alcohol and he’s grabbing your thigh and spitting liquor down your neck in sloppy kisses, push him off you. You don’t owe him anything. You’re not being mean or hurting his feelings. If you’re not okay, leave.
5. Don’t hurt yourself. If you think you feel shitty now, imagine how terrible you’re going to feel when you accidentally cut too deep and you feel your life spilling out of your wrists. I know you want to get rid of him and the heartbreak he left behind. I know you want to get rid of the numbness and the headaches and the shaky hands. I know you want to get rid of the pain. But when you’re lighting your skin on fire or tearing into your veins, you’ve got pain spilling out of your bones. But you’re dripping everything good too. You’ve got a tangle of outer space inside of you and you can’t lose the darkness between the stars without losing the stars too.
6. Save yourself first. I know you’re in love with a pretty boy who writes you poetry and slits your wrists. I know he falls asleep crying. But so do you. I know he’s your world. I know you’re in love. But you can’t be up at four in the morning talking him out of suicide when you’ve got six tests the next day. You can’t stop him from ripping his heart out when you’re still trying to figure out how to get yours beating again. You can’t save him. You’ve just got to love him with all you’ve got. You have to love yourself too.
7. Terminate toxic relationships. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You need to be self-preserving for once in your fucking life. When your best friend kisses the boy you would die for, stop sleeping on her floor when she calls you crying because she got her heart broken by a boy who’s name she couldn’t remember. When your father kicks you out of the house and tells you he wants you gone, stay gone. When your boyfriend comments on how much you’ve been eating and makes you feel guilty for feeling the world, delete his number. You don’t need people dragging you down. You don’t need anybody poising you. You’ve got enough pain already.
8. It gets better. I know right now you’re on the verge of killing yourself. You’re on the edge and you’re waiting for the fall. But there’s nothing good at the bottom, just a lot of broken bones and blood and sore throats. I know how much you want to die and I know how hard it is to stay but you have to. Because one day you’re going to wake up smiling. You’re going to fall in love and your heart will stay whole. You’re going to travel and swim in the ocean and you’re not going to pray that you drown. You’re going to go for a drive in the middle of the night and feel free instead of hoping you crash. You’re going to be alright.
”—8 things I wish my mother had taught me before I turned 16 (via extrasad)
you can preach about slut-shaming all you want, but you can’t deny there’s something very wrong with 13 and 14-year old girls going out in skirts and dresses so short they barely cover their asses and shirts with necklines so low they show off cleave they haven’t got yet, drinking and even smoking and hooking up with guys before they even have a substantial knowledge of how sex and sexual relationships work.
“If you marry me you need to know I might stay up till 3am because my thoughts will wander through my mind. I might be in bed with opened eyes and a drum beating within my chest. There might be nights my heart bangs so loudly you wouldn’t be able to sleep.
If you marry me you need to know there are going to be mornings I am going to wake up with a bruise mind and purple thoughts. My lips would be sealed together and words wouldn’t exit my mouth. There are going to be days when my quietness can scare you.
If you marry me you need to know there are going to be days when my soul changes colors, and you wouldn’t recognize me because the one you met is lost in darkness.
If you marry me you need to know there are going to be days my words will shake and my lungs will break. There will be days you’ll become my time capsule and I might fill your mind with all my thoughts and you might feel like there’s a bomb ticking inside your head.
If you marry me you need to know there are going to be days I am going to love too much, and the thing is I am so so so scared because if you marry me I don’t want our love to drown in the seven seas, I don’t want to construct a family and have the builders destroy it. I don’t want to watch the kids suffer and feel emptiness obstruct them from happiness.. because that’s what happened to me.”—
well this really hit me hard // love the honesty. (via godmoves)
You are making progress in a spiral. You do come back around to where you were at the start, since recovery and healing take time, but every time you come back around to that point you’re a little higher up because you’ve got more experience, more knowledge, and more strength.